Merry Christmas to all of you who will be able to read this post! Hehe! It’s almost 2 in the morning when I was typing this down. But even though I was supposed to sleep already, I ended up doing this. Probably because I can’t sleep. I was also supposed to write open letters I’m going to dedicate to Maine Mendoza, Alden Richards, and to the new Miss Universe Pia Wurtzbach. But then I ended up doing this.
I’ve been having a lot of bad and negative thoughts lately. Over the months, it’s been like that. I can’t stop it. It affected me big time but I’m trying my best not to let it destroy me fully. I can’t function fully because of those negative vibes and thoughts hovering around me for so long. I rarely pray. I rarely go to the church for a mass. But that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten about Him. It’s just that… I only talked to him when I was on the verge of crying. For a sensitive girl like me who gets easily affected, my tears fall almost in an instant when it truly hurts and stings me.
This is probably one of the weirdest Christmas for me. At this moment, my heart’s pounding for some reason. I’m listening to David Gate’s “Find Me” without any idea whom I’m dedicating this song for. Our family didn’t bother putting up any Christmas decorations. Time wasn’t just the reason for that. It appears that we can’t even feel the Christmas magic after all that has happened to my family—with my parents in particular. Yes, this is already weird for me. But also, this is something that I managed to accept since graduation last April 2014. I don’t know who to blame about this, though. Or if there’s even someone that I need to blame for all this to happen. We can’t fix what was already broken when it comes to filial relationship. I don’t have any problems with my relationship to my mother. The real problem was that of my father.
Seriously, who invented “pride”, anyway? It’s pretty annoying, if you ask me. And it truly destroys important relationship because of that stupid pride and ego. I know it’s something that people usually tries to appear in order to save their faces, to prevent themselves from further embarrassment. And for me, it’s acceptable if used rarely. But for you to let it appear every time? Now that’s a different story. A pretty irritating story, I must say.
Urgh! It’s Christmas and here I am ranting. But I need to let this out. I don’t want to vent this out to my manuscripts or surely, the story I’m writing will end up crappy. I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want my writings to carry my weird antics all the way to the publishing, though I have to say I could use that as a plot. But not for now. I’d only throw that story away if I ended up putting every stressful rantings I have into my writings.
It’s Christmas morning… and as I end this, I only have one more wish aside from having a fruitful writing career. And that is *whispers wish*…
I wonder if He heard it.
Will he fulfill it?
I hope so.