I’m sorry. I know it’s short, but that’s all I can say for now. I know I’ve disappointed you for so long now. I’m sorry. To think I’m the eldest child who managed to graduate in college and yet here I am, still stuck with what I want to do rather than do what is necessary to help you. I’m crying as I write this, in case you don’t know. Maybe because I couldn’t force myself to do anything. Pessimism is one reason. Not having enough guts is the other.
Sometimes, I couldn’t help wishing that maybe I should disappear, right? Since I’m the eldest daughter who can’t even find the effort to help you in every way, I can’t help thinking that way. But I know from the start that it’s wrong. Disappearing would only make things worse than ever. I can understand where your disappointment to me is coming from. It’s because all your words to me are falling on deaf ears. I keep refusing to listen to your advices about finding a job since it’s about time I help you and at least ease your burden for at least a little. I’m an irresponsible daughter and I accept that. I know I’ve been for a long time since I graduated.
I really don’t know how to help you at all, not when I’m weak-willed like this. It’s easy for me to think of a way but doing it in actual seems to be a little hard. Yes, pessimism comes in again, at its best. To be honest, I’m not really sure what to do with my life anymore. Fear always gets the best of me. I tried putting your advices at heart but I keep on doing things (and perhaps not even doing things) enough to add even more disappointments to you. Sorry will never be enough to cease that from you.
Even now, as I sit here writing this, I keep on thinking what I should do. Though the words “find a job and do it” keeps ringing in my mind, I still end up feeling discouraged over something. It’ll be Thursday tomorrow. I’m not sure what will happen after I write this. It’s weird for me to think a while back that perhaps, one of these days, if I put my dreams on paper, they will come true eventually. But for me to be able to become a daughter that helps you, I guess I need to put all my dreams for myself on hold. I’m already crying just thinking about it. I’m sure you’ll say that my sister already did the same thing so why can’t I? I know she’s the most responsible and I can’t possibly compare myself to her. But every time you do that, I’m already losing what little confidence I tried to build up in me. I’m losing the guts I’m trying to earn to be able to face the world the way she does.
I don’t know what it’s like to be a responsible daughter. I guess all this time, I’ve never been someone like that. All I can give to you will always be disappointment. It’s hard and painful to think about it that way but I can see now, that’s all I’ll ever be. I took sides between the two of you, I just stay in front of the computer doing things that will only make me happy yet will make you angry, and I just stay here in the house probably waiting to rot. I never had initiative, especially over things and activities that I didn’t want to do. I think finding a job is one of them.
I’m the girl with no initiative and the one with a boring life. But it’s okay if you think of me that way for a long time. Keep getting angry at me and I’ll take it in me. It’s okay with me. I’m okay with that. You’ll be disappointed even more and I’ll deal with that. I’m not expecting you to understand me fully. I never did. But I’m the girl who refused to give up my dreams now. I already did that when I was in college. I don’t want to give it up now.
I’ll do my best to find a way to help you. I’m not sure how, but I’ll try. I promise, I’ll try.