Random Thoughts And Contemplations

AND I CRIED…

…which is seriously an indication that I’m almost at my limit. Or at least my patience and understanding. I don’t know the concrete reason why I cried. But one thing I know, life as you try to put up with people who doesn’t appreciate every bit of your effort really sucks. For real. And then I’ll be including those who only notice your mistakes and monitors every move you make, as if just waiting for you to commit them.

Okay, enough with the English introduction. In fairness, masyado pala akong ma-drama kapag nagsusulat ng English, ah. Pasensiya naman po. Sobrang frustrated lang. Nakakainis pa! Pasalamat na lang talaga at ayokong sumisigaw even though I’m already at my limit. I never do that even if I had the urge to do something like that. Hanggang iyak lang talaga ako. Okay na ako sa walang tigil na pagtulo ng luha at paminsan-minsang pagsinghot para walang uhog na tumulo. Mas mabuti na `yon.

For now, as I write this, I’m staring at the moon outside the window. The sky is clear and the moon is glowing bright. Wala naman akong makitang stars sa labas. Ewan ko lang pero sana naman, huwag munang umulan. Papalipat pa kami ng tirahan kaya sana wala munang aberya. It’s already enough that I have to put up with my father who continuously notice just the flaws of the effort and not the effort itself. Oo, tatay ko nga iyon. I know it’s bad to have such thoughts for a father. Pero dumarating din naman kasi ako sa puntong itinatanong ko sa sarili ko kung mali bang idepensa mo naman ang sarili mo o ang nanay mong sinasabihan na ng kung anu-ano nang talikuran. I have to admit, I’ve been having thoughts that if he just learned to appreciate his family’s efforts just for him to reach the place where he is now, then maybe I would never think ill about him. Hindi sana ako nakakaramdam ng ganito na para bang isa pa yata siya sa mga sinisisi ko kung bakit wala pa rin akong napapatunayan sa sarili ko hanggang ngayon.

Ang hirap talagang magkaroon ng ganitong isipin, sa totoo lang. Kahit alam kong mali, kahit anong iwas na huwag gawin, nagagawa ko pa ring mag-isip ng `di maganda patungkol sa tatay ko. Alam ko na kapag nabasa n’yo `to, you would condemn me for being an ungrateful daughter. While some would probably give me a benefit of a doubt. Some will remain neutral, nonchalant. And others would understand the reason. I don’t know. Pero sa dinami-rami ng mga nangyari, sa dami ng mga masasakit na salitang binitawan, sa dami ng mga sermong madalas ay wala na sa lugar, ang tanging magagawa ko na lang ay isipin ang hinaharap na wala na siya sa buhay ko, sa buhay naming mag-iina. Mali na namang pag-iisip. But as most people would say, the damage was done. And I’m not even sure if time would be able to fix it.

As I write this, I’m feeling hungry, I’m sleepy, and I’m beat. Magbuhat ka ba naman kasi ng mga kartong mabibigat. Dadagdag pa ang mga pasaway na kapatid. Ewan ko ba. I’m not listening to any song at the moment, though the song “Tears” which is (probably) Tsukimori Len’s character song from La Corda `D Oro keeps on playing in my head. Yup, more Japanese songs. A while back, while transferring some of our things to our new house, I’ve been listening to some Super Sentai themes. And yes, they’re in Japanese—again. Well, I’d rather listen to those songs than deal with the negativity kahit na ramdam ko talagang nagkalat iyon sa paligid.

This will be the last entry I’m writing na nandito ako sa kuwarto na ginamit ko for more than 8 years. The next post will be written inside my new room, in our new house (it’s rented, by the way). At panigurado lang, bukod sa wala pang darating na SOR sa akin bukas, hindi pa ako makakapanood ng Kalyeserye.

Huwaw! Bigat lang nito, tsong!

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