I should’ve written this letter a long time ago and gave it to you. But I should’ve done before, when I was still a naive high school girl. I’ve graduated from college for more than a year now. But somehow, what you did to break my heart back then was still here in my heart. Yes, it subsided somehow as time passed. And yet the pain you’ve inflicted in my heart was enough for me to realize over time that I’ve become afraid to love, to entrust my heart to someone after that. It’s quite frustrating, to be honest. But I don’t know if I’d be able to find a way to get rid of this feeling.
It’s been so long since it happened and I’m well aware of that. But you know one thing? My mom was right. It’s easy for me to forgive someone. Then again, I’m a person who’s having a hard time forgetting. Especially about things like people who broke my heart. Of course, you didn’t know that. I see you before as a cruel—or maybe just cold-hearted—person who tore that piece of paper in which I poured my thoughts about how I feel about you. I thought at the time that it was okay for me to do such a thing. That I should be the one to make the first move.
But I was wrong.
It was a mistake on my part. A recklessness, as I’d like to call it. A girl shouldn’t be so bold and go as far as confessing your most precious feelings to a guy. That’s because I realized at that moment just how fragile a girl’s heart can be. But I also realized that a girl can also put up the most believable mask on her face to let the world see her okay as if everything was just fine and nothing was wrong. I’m not sure if you’ve become aware of that as time passed by since that memorable day. Or at least it was memorable to me. But I really hope so. That way, you’d be able to find a way to deal with your wife’s tantrums every now and then.
You broke my heart a long time ago. But that doesn’t mean I bear ill thoughts about it. I never did that. And yet you’re one of the people I think about when I picture a few reasons as to why—at the age of 24—I never experienced being in a relationship. I’ve become afraid that I’d feel that hurt again. It’s not just about unrequited love. It’s also about relationship that might not last because of certain reasons. I’ve become loveless and afraid to love for this long because of my recklessness and hastiness. And to think I’ve been dealing with this all because of an unrequited love and the memory of you tearing that confession letter to little pieces. What more if I finally got into a relationship?
I don’t know, and I can’t really tell. But I just want to let you know that, despite what happened back then, despite what you did to me, I still thank you. You made me realize a lot of things. You made me feel a painful young love. At least, one thing it did to me was to provide an inspiration and made me realize my calling in writing. The pain, the numbness, the heart-shattering feeling I felt back then became my inspiration whenever I write. For that, I’m really glad.
I can tell that you’re happy now. You’ve found the one meant for you. No hard feeling for me when I think of that. So I guess I’ll just remain here, scolding my heart for being unable to forget what happened that day. It’s all I can do for now. But when will it finally go away and leave me? When will I be able to find the one meant for me, as well? When will I be able to feel the same happiness you’re feeling right now?
I could only ask these questions. I don’t know where, when, and how it will happen. But I’m still hoping it will come around—soon. Before that, I’ll let my heart wander, hoping that I won’t find a man who will break my heart the way you did before. I’ve already had enough of dealing with a lasting effect that such painful love could give to me.